Cutting…..
Posted by: borderline25 on: January 29, 2010
I’m starting to get urges to cut up my whole body, i know lots of ways i can do it now without anyone knowing.
The internet is amazing.
Memory Loss… sort of!
Posted by: borderline25 on: January 4, 2010
Today myself and P went to do the grocery shopping. He had to go somewhere else beforehand, so told me to go ahead and start the shopping. The first mistake i made, was picking up a basker rather than a trolley. I only had one reusable bag with me, so i just assumed we only needed a few things to cover us for the evening….
Why i thought this, i can’t figure it out. I got into the shop and i just went totally blank. I was lost walking around the shop and my head was spinning.
Anyone ever have this experience with BPD?
Any feedback would be appreicated 
Overtired with no sleeping pills
Posted by: borderline25 on: January 3, 2010
It’s 2.45am here and I’m wide awake. I’ve been up since 9.30am, you would think i’d be tired but for the life of me i can’t knock off. I know it’s my own fault for abusing my drugs but honestly, one zimovane aint gona do anything to me anymore. I’m way too used to them. I think it’s time for a new drug or a better way to get some sleep…
Mother’s mad games begin again…
Posted by: borderline25 on: January 3, 2010
I rang my mam yesterday after a load of unanswered text messages over the past few months, she finally answered the phone to me. Well when i say she answered the phone to me, it wasn’t my number i was ringing from. I tried ringing her off someone else’s phone. She was convinced that there was “nothing wrong with me” and that “it was all the garda’s doing” when i told her that i was in hospital twice in 2009. (She already knew i was in, but decided to play dumb). Anyways, i talked to her for a bit and asked her why in god’s name she hadn’t been answering the txts i was sending her over Xmas and that. She said that she was repyling to them but that she was replying to P’s number (which i’d like to see proof of) She promised, sorry she swore blind she would stay in touch. She text last night saying “Hi there, i’ll say goodnight”. That was it i text her this morning and rang her a few times and nothing but ringing out.
So much for wanting to “fix things”. Stupid bitch she is, and i’m more stupid for believing that she would keep her promise. I’m hurt but not crying or anything. I’m glad i have this blog to read back on when she stars her madness. It’ll remind me of who’s good for me and who’s not so good….
Yikes!!!!
Posted by: borderline25 on: January 2, 2010
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Moderate
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
Self-Destruction
Posted by: borderline25 on: December 31, 2009
Yesterday, (30/12/09), I wrecked my arms. I cut them to bits with a razor. I lost all control of my emotions. I went totally hysterical and took ages to calm down again. I can’t accept that my physc team is doing their level best to make sure I’m stable. I’m not blaming them, I’m just saying if i had therapy and/or DBT it would help. I talk to nobody about how i feel anymore because i feel labelled and ashamed of my disorder. Then i wonder do i have it at all? I wonder who invented the disorder, where they ok? How did it manifest itself? Maybe i shouldn’t focus too much on the BPD “label”….
It’s 4.17am. I have no sleeping tablets left. I have abused my drugs lately, taking up to 5 zimovane a night just to get a few hours sleep. I’m always awake at 6am drumming my fingers nearly screaming with frustration at the fact i cant get a solid block of sleep. My fists are also destroyed i’ve been punching the shit out of walls. Talk to your fiance about it you say? He’s struggling to cope as it is god love him! I need a BPD specialist and it’s looking highly unlikely that i’ll get one in this lifetime…..
I’m Still here
Posted by: borderline25 on: December 17, 2009
Sorry people haven’t been posting much. I hate this time of year. It just sends me into a downward spiral.
Expect more posts soon, when my mood is better.
A mad week…
Posted by: borderline25 on: December 5, 2009
Sorry i’ve not being posting. We ended up taking P’s sister and her boyfriend. It’s been a weird week. We’ve had to watch them like hawks. Not good for me to be paranoid like this. I hope they get the keys for their place on Monday. It’s a relief to know they wont be here for Christmas. Overall, it’s been an overcrowded week. It’s now 9am on a Saturday morning. I’m not sleeping too well since they arrived. I hate having people staying to be honest. It feels like they’re going through my stuff ???
They’re probably not, but i feel like they are.
The guilt will haunt me forever
Posted by: borderline25 on: November 29, 2009
I’m posting this as i look out a torrential rain and gale force winds. It’s officially winter in Ireland. An awful one at that. P’s sister was living with p’s brother up the road in a place. The lease expired,but she was staying there on the basis that she find a flat asap. She didn’t do that. She now has nowhere to live. We already have M in the spare room because he doesn’t mess with heroin, methadone etc like the sister. She caused 240 euro worth of damages to the place up the road which came out of M’s security deposit. It’s not me saying she can’t stay, it’s P. He’s had horror experiences trying to live with her. She got them turfed out of two places before.
So my question is should i feel bad that she’s sleeping in a tent? I already have one brother here, i have no room for her and her boyfriend.This sort of stuff makes me feel shitty really. The government wont do anything for them, that i know for a fact.She’s screwed up too many times…
Lack of Sleep
Posted by: borderline25 on: November 26, 2009
I usually take my meds at 10pm. We had P’s brother over last night. He’s sleeping soundly in the other room,P is snoring his pretty head off next to me. We went to bed at 11pm, which for me is really good given that i can sometimes be awake until 2am. Come that exact time, i was awake and i was starving. Off i went into the kitchen and made some cereal. I got back into bed to eat it but i noticed i was falling asleep eating the cereal!
I don’t normally like to eat past 9pm, as i don’t think it’s good for the digestive system. I also avoid all caffeine after 8pm. I can recommend hot milk after meds, as it seems to calm me down for the night. So i did the usual night-time protocol. I watched two episodes of SATC and drank my hot milk in bed. I dozed off….
It’s now 7.52am and i’m wide awake. For the life of me, i cant get a good night’s sleep. My doctor knows this too. I have some podcasts on my Macbook and iPhone that i tend to listen to. I’ll add the links to the podcasts at the end of this post. They used to help me go asleep, however it’s not the case anymore. Also, with the Effexor increase, i was really tired so i don’t get why i’m waking up all the time throughout the night.
Very annoying, can i please have my sleep pattern back?
Anyways, here’s the links to the podcasts, you must have iTunes installed. I think this woman has blogs as well and also does YouTube videos.
For night-time meditation, you can also search the iTunes store. Just type in meditation.
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